Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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