Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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