It's like God shit irony all over that family
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
