I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
