i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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