drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
