Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
