I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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