Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I need to align my fucking chakras
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
