the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
