If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
