i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
