i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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