Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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