highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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