Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
