i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
