I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
