I can't watch pbs sober anymore
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
