ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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