the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
