Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
He shit in the fireplace
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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