I feel like abortions should bother me more
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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