a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
