how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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