if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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