I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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