i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
