i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
