i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
