I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
