its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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