I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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