It's a beautiful day for a hangover
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
