so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Oh god it's open bar.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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