when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
