I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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