All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
