"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
