Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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