My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
We left an ass print on the piano.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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