the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
