She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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