I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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