Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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