I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
