I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
