no, he came in my armpit
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
