So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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