drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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